Every time someone asks me how this postpartum time has gone, I want to burst into tears...because it's been so great. Let me preface this all by saying that obviously having 2 under 2 initially (and now having an almost 2.5-year-old and 7-month-old) has its unique challenges, and some days are just hard. But this second-time-around scenario is night-and-day different from my postpartum period after Story (you can read about that here). The follow-up question I usually get is, "Why? Why do you think this season has been so different?" There are a few reasons:

1. AWARENESS. When I became pregnant with Story, I researched the crap out of childbirth, proper exercise and diet, the best baby gear, etc. But I think I read *maybe* a sentence (if that) about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. I don't even think I knew other maternal mental illnesses existed (i.e. postpartum psychosis). I do believe that was part of the reason why PPD/A hit me like a mack truck. With my limited knowledge, it didn't make sense. In my ignorance, I thought, "But, I've never been depressed before! Why would I struggle with depression now?" PPD/A isn't selective. Sure, you have a greater chance of it occurring if you've been diagnosed with depression previously (and specifically PPD/A reoccurring if you've had it before), but simply because you've not had it in the past and no one in your family has had it doesn't mean that you won't either. It's an ugly beast. Nonetheless, knowing what it felt like to walk through PPD/A and being vulnerable about my emotions put me on a path towards wellness. In fact, I remember at the end of the first or second week of River's life, I opened up to Seth, my mom, and my sister Shelby about the fact that I was lacking confidence - that I was starting to doubt if I could truly be a good mama to 2 kiddos, and that this was increasing my anxiety. By talking through my emotions, I was given the space to sort through the truth and the lies.

2. SUPPORT. Yes, I had amazing support from family, friends, doctors, and doulas once I was diagnosed with PPD/A after Story, but I had that support in place ahead of time with River. Not only that, but my entire support team was aware of my previous struggle and knew how they could best help me if PPD/A reared its ugly face again. Living in the same city with my immediate family this time around was so great. My mom was able to stay with us for a longer period of time, and any time I needed some extra help there was always someone there for me. I also had the support of a broad range of friends because of my openness and honesty regarding my struggle with PPD/A. I was able to reach out to fellow mamas through a Facebook group I'm a part of and ask for prayer. Many of these ladies I've never even met in person, but their prayers were FELT. I definitely had a community rising up behind me, and that felt so good.

3. PROPER TREATMENT. One of the most difficult parts of my journey through PPD/A was the simple fact that it took a little while for the doctors to prescribe an anti-depressant that "worked" for me. This is fairly common when it comes to mental health medication. Especially in my case, I was starting at ground zero having never taken an anti-depressent before. The typical class of anti-depressant that most OB's will prescribe for their patients actually pushed me further down the rabbit hole. With the help of a psychiatrist, I finally landed on something that began to help me and I felt like I could breathe again. However, leading into this second pregnancy, I had to stop taking the anti-depressant because it wasn't safe. I also couldn't take it again once River was born if I wanted to breastfeed, which was another goal of mine this time around. Therefore, I went the more holistic route. I had my placenta encapsulated (trust me - it's not as gross as it sounds) and I used essential oils. Because of FDA regulations, I can't go into specifics on the latter, but I will say that wellness was my goal and that was achieved through encapsulation and essential oils.

4. LOWERED EXPECTATIONS: Before I had Story, I was the most anal clean freak you'd probably ever meet in your life. I knew that this would need to change once I had kiddos, but I didn't really realize how much. I could no longer set aside huge chunks of time to do a deep clean on my house. I had to be okay with messes. That was SO difficult for me. I felt like I was failing as a wife because I couldn't keep up with household chores like I had done in the past. Needless to say, Seth could've cared less! I was so focused on what I was "failing" at that I couldn't see the fact that my beautiful baby girl was thriving. She was fed, clothed, and - most importantly - LOVED. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. After having Story, it became so much clearer to me that life really does move in seasons. With littles in our house, we'll have seasons of messiness, but as they get older everything does start to balance out. Each season ebs and flows in its own beautiful way - it's all about establishing new normals and enjoying the moment you're in right now.

In honor of the 3rd Annual Climb Out of the Darkness, I want to give mamas out there HOPE - just because you've walked through postpartum depression or anxiety in the past does NOT guarantee that it'll happen again. I'm a living, breathing example of this. And always, always know - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

The Birth of Our Son, River Bennett

When Story was born, I had an emergency c-section, so my main goal and hope with River’s birth was to have a successful VBAC. I didn’t have any expectations regarding unmedicated birth vs. getting an epidural, but I was definitely willing to try to go completely natural.

River’s estimated due date was October 29th. I had been leaking a bit of fluid for a few days, so I knew I wasn’t far off. I woke up on Thursday, October 30th at about 2:30am with contractions, and after trying to use the bathroom and lay back down I eventually woke Seth up. We each took turns showering and gathering up any last minute items that we hadn’t yet packed. While I was showering, Seth called Eileen our doula and she decided to head our way. The contractions were already fairly close together, but they weren’t as intense as I remembered them being from my labor with Story. Seth also called my mom to let her know that I was in labor, and texted the rest of our family and friends. Once Eileen arrived, she began clocking my contractions and encouraged me to drink, eat, and rest. I was even able to take a nap on the couch. My sister Sharon came over to serve as a buffer while my good friend Katie made her way over to our house to pick up Story. It was comforting for me to have Sharon there as she took on a bit of an assistant role to Eileen, bringing me more to drink and rubbing my back. Around 9:30am, we made our way to the hospital since we knew I was going to need to get my first round of Penicillin as I was Group B Strep positive.

When I checked into triage, I was shocked and happy to find out that I was already 5-6cm dilated and 90-100% effaced! That’s about as far as I was able to get with Story, so I was greatly encouraged! I changed into a comfy gown and my own slippers, checked into our room, and continued to breathe through contractions. Seth, Sharon, and Eileen were all there with me. To switch things up, I also spent time rocking on a birthing ball in the shower while Seth used the showerhead to pour warm water all over my lower back and legs. One by one, family began to arrive: my mom, Vicki, Shelby, and Brian & Becky. I had our diffuser with essential oils on the entire time we were in our room along with a music mix playing quietly in the background. The atmosphere was exactly what I had hoped for. One song that stood out to me was “Shoulders” by For King & Country. Now I think of River every time I hear that song played.

At 7pm, our nurse Sarah checked my cervix to see how much progress I had made, and I was shocked and fairly disheartened to find out that I had zero change. Eileen then took me on a couple of long walks around the hospital hallways. She was the best, seriously. While hospital policy only allows you to have ice chips, Eileen encouraged me to eat and drink so that I could continue fueling my energy. The best thing I ate was the chicken and wild rice soup from Panera that my mom brought me. There’s something so reinvigorating about eating a hearty protein-packed meal in the middle of a marathon! Eileen also called her husband and had him bring her portable birthing tub to the hospital. She set it up in the bathroom, and I labored in it for a while. That’s when the contractions became unbearable. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t deep breath through them, I couldn’t stay on top of them. I don’t think I’ve screamed that loud in a long time. Through tears, I told Seth that I was going to need to get an epidural. I didn’t want River’s life to begin the same way Story’s did - with a mama who was absolutely beyond exhausted. I was afraid that alone would cause me to spiral into the pit of PPD/PPA. Eileen spoke words of truth over me, saying that it was more important for me to have a successful VBAC than to have an unmedicated birth, and that rest was crucial for me at that point. Getting the epidural wasn’t an easy process at 8cm dilated, but once it was in I felt like I became myself again. In fact, I think I even apologized to Sarah for behaving like the Incredible Hulk.

After the epidural kicked in, I curled up on my side and fell asleep. Seth laid down next to me, completely exhausted as well. In fact, everyone who was there for my labor tried to sleep for a bit. My mom, my sisters Shelby, Vicki, and Sharon, Seth’s mom and dad. There was such a sense of unity present - it was extremely comforting.

When I woke a few hours later, I had progressed to 9cm. At that point, I decided to have them go ahead and break my water. Shortly after that, I was a full 10cm and completely effaced. The nurses began prepping the room for the arrival of our baby boy. During the time, my dad arrived at the hospital from his shift at the firehouse. It was so sweet to see his face and have him there to encourage me. I was happy, mildly rested, and ready to push!

The nurses had me do a couple of practices pushes while we waited for Dr. Bowen to arrive. Their guidance along with Eileen’s coaching was very encouraging. It’s a strange feeling to push when you’ve never done it before! While I was pushing, they discovered that River was sunny-side up, so Dr. Bowen actually had to turn him in utero - thank the Lord I had had an epidural! After that, the 2 hours I spent pushing are such a blur. When all was said and done, I had no idea that I had been pushing for that long! I remember at one point asking Dr. Bowen if he could pull River out, to which he responded “There’s not a tool I could use or a thing I could do that would be better than what your body is already doing right now.” Shelby specifically remembers Seth asking me if I was excited as we were nearing the end to which I responded, “I won’t be excited until his whole body is out!” There was just so much pressure on my bottom and lady parts that even with the epidural it was really uncomfortable. The nurses had a mirror that I used once - and when I saw that his head was not nearly as far out as I felt it should be, I went back to closing my eyes. I had my eyes closed for almost the entire duration of pushing.

Everyone was in my room. Even my dad and Brian were there, waiting in the hallway out-of-sight, but they were able to hear everything. As I bore down for my final push, there was a sense of quiet. I was able to pull River’s slippery body up onto my chest. He was a bit blue and gurgly, but after giving him a bit of oxygen, he was good to go. Born on October 31, 2014 at 12:27pm after almost 34 hours of labor (the third Halloween birthday in my family!), River weighed 8lbs 11oz and was 21 inches long. As I held him, Seth announced his name - River Bennett Williams - and read this verse over his sweet little life: “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7:38. Our son was here, he was healthy, and we were blessed beyond measure. Praise the Lord for His goodness!!!