The Story of Story

For months now, I've been meaning to blog about my journey through the dark valley of post-partum depression and anxiety; however, before I put that experience into words, I first need to share with you the beautiful story of Story.

{written during our hospital stay}

Story's EDD was Sunday, January 13th. Well, that day came and went. We had an ultrasound that following Monday, which revealed that she had an ample amount of fluid still surrounding her, and she was just comfy. It was difficult waiting - wondering with each activity I would do (exercising, getting groceries, blow-drying my hair...) if it would be the "last time" before she was born. My doula and doctor had me taking both evening primrose oil and red raspberry leaf capsules. Thursday evening, January 17th, Seth and I sat down to a dinner of homemade chicken noodle soup and watched the second night of American Idol - a pretty typical evening for us. :o) That night before bed, I took the evening primrose oil vaginally as I had been doing for a few nights in a row. However, that time something felt different. At 12:26am on Friday, January 18th, I felt the need to use the bathroom, and when I did I lost my mucous plug. Very quickly thereafter, I began contracting. They were fairly mild, around 30 seconds long, but quite close together - 3-5 minutes. At 2:42am, Seth texted our doula Susie to let her know what was going on. She told me to try to get as much rest as I possibly could, and to keep her posted.

Rest was not in the cards for me. I found that swaying through the contractions with Seth's help worked well for me, but I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep. We turned on our labor mix, lit a candle, and tried to keep the atmosphere at home as calming as possible. A couple of hours later, I told Seth I wanted him to call Susie and have her come to our place. She also had a doula-in-training named Patsy with her who was coming along as well. When Susie got to our house around 4:45am, I remember feeling like I was already in a lot of pain. Because Susie is a certified midwife, she was able to check my cervix for progress as well as monitor the baby's position and heartbeat. At that point, I was at 3cm and about 80% effaced. I believe Story was at about -1 station.

Seth drew a warm bath for me, and I labored in the tub for a while. The weightlessness of the water felt really good on my abdomen! I felt better after being in the bath for a while, and was able to eat some yogurt and a banana afterwards. I constantly drank water and Vitamin Water Zero while laboring. Susie checked my cervix again a few hours later, and I was at 4cm. And then 5cm. And then 6cm. Progression was slow, but at least I was progressing. Through each contraction, Susie or Patsy would talk me through it - "Take a cleansing breath. Let it come. Let it sit. Let it stay. Let it rest. And take another cleansing breath." They were also great about massaging my body where I'd naturally tense up - my shoulders, my back, and my hips. Patsy spoke several scriptures over us, which I loved. They were both super encouraging with their words - just hearing "Kelly, you're doing great. You've got this" was SO reassuring to me.

After listening to Story's heart rate several times, Susie mentioned that she was positioned more to the right, and she really wanted to get her centered. Susie had me laying on my side for several contractions which were pretty excruciating. After checking her positioning again, it was clear that she wasn't quite ready to rotate to the center. Susie gave Dr. Strnad a call at the hospital, and we decided to begin getting things packed up to head over once my mom arrived at our house. My mom got to us around 3:30pm, and a few minutes later we left for the hospital.

Upon getting checked into the hospital and our labor & delivery room, we gave our nurse our birth plan  and she was pretty surprised to see that we didn't want a Heploc IV administered. I was pretty set on not wanting anything "medical" interfering with Story's birth. Susie had suggested that we consider having my water broken by Dr. Strnad in order to help our labor get past this standstill point. In order to have that done, I would indeed need to have a Heploc IV. We decided to move forward with having my water broken - although we found out it wouldn't be done by Dr. Strnad, but instead by Dr. Cox (whom we had never met) who was on-call that weekend. Upon meeting her, I was immediately comforted by her presence; however, upon breaking my water, she found that there was a ton of meconium present. Since there was a danger present that Story might have aspirated some of the meconium, I had to remain on the fetal heart rate monitors for the duration of my labor, which meant that I was pretty much stuck in bed.

Susie continued to coach me through the contractions, and urged me to surrender completely and go into a dream-like state. I was so exhausted by that point that it wasn't too difficult to let myself go. However, actually relaxing was a whole other ballgame. There were points where I'd literally feel my uterus rise up with a contraction, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done to rest in it instead of fight it. One of the main things getting me through the contractions besides the support I had physically surrounding me was the fact that I knew there were so many people covering us in prayer. The Holy Spirit definitely interceded for me on several of my contractions - my mom and Seth recalled watching contractions peak on the monitor, and at the same time noticed that I had absolutely no reaction to them. The Lord was my strength when I had none.

After some time, the nurse and Dr. Cox came to check my progress. I thought for certain that I'd be at least 9cm. However, they said that I hadn't experienced any change. No change. The hardest two words to hear at that point in time. Dr. Cox said that due to the length of time that I had been in labor and my level of fatigue, it might be best for them to start me on a little bit of Pitocin. I immediately started crying, and looked at Seth and told him that there was no way I could receive any Pitocin without getting an epidural. I was too tired. Physically and emotionally, I was spent. Susie stepped forward and said, "Remember when I told you that if I thought you'd benefit from an epidural I'd let you know? I do believe that now would be a good time." Everyone reassured me that I did everything I could on my own, and receiving help wasn't a failure - it was simply the next step in Story's birth story. I had been worried that I would feel like a failure if I couldn't have story without medication, but the Lord spared me from that. I knew I had done all that I could. It was time.

The epidural was put in place about 15 minutes later with just Seth in the room. About 10 minutes after that, Dr. Cox came in to speak with us. Apparently, Story's heart rate had dipped several times during labor, and Dr. Cox wasn't seeing any improvement. Therefore, she didn't even want to start me on Pitocin any longer because she was concerned that Story wouldn't be able to tolerate it. She assured us that Story was completely fine and healthy, but she wanted to keep it that way; hence, she told us it was time to consider a caesarean section. Susie had mentioned earlier that when it comes to seeing dips in the baby's heart rate, c-sections are usually the next move that's considered, so we felt prepared. Seth and I just looked at each other and with complete confidence said, "Okay." We were ready to meet our girl, and we didn't want to do anything that would potentially lead to a dangerous situation for her.

It took about 10 minutes for the team of nurses to prep me for the OR, and then my mom, Susie, and Patsy all came back into the room. With Seth, they laid their hands on my and my mom prayed over us - me, Seth, and Story. It was an emotional, beautiful moment. While I was beyond tired at that point, I didn't feel nervous. I felt so loved and lifted up, both by those in the room with me and by those across the miles. They wheeled me into surgery to get me situated while Seth waited in the hallway. My arms were shaking uncontrollably due to medication and the fact that I was freezing, so they hooked up an air-vented blanket with a heated fan, and wrapped me in warmed blankets as well. I also had to receive more medication for nausea. Seth said that when he was admitted into the OR, all he could see was my face. When our eyes met, we both started crying immediately. I was overwhelmed with love for the man who had been my rock throughout my entire labor. It was a bonding experience unlike any other. A few minutes later, the man assisting in the surgery said, "Okay - you're going to feel some pressure." He was pushing Story down to the base of my uterus. Another minute later and we heard, "Oh! She has hair!" And then, in what felt like just a few seconds (at 10:17pm), we heard her cry. It was unlike any baby cry I had ever heard before. It was light and delicate. Seth and I were sobbing - we couldn't believe that our sweet baby girl was here!!! He was able to go over to the table where they were suctioning her and cleaning her off to take some photos. Upon returning to my side, the doctor said, "Dad - would you like to hold her?" Seth was so joyful as they placed Story in his arms for the first time. Looking at my daughter's face for the first time is a moment I'll never forget. They were even able to place her on my chest while the doctor finished my sutures. She was absolutely the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

They had initially told us that Story might have to be taken to the NICU after she was born due to the whole meconium situation, but after being assessed, they said she was fine and she was allowed to ride with us back to our recovery room. She was so incredibly alert, already trying to hold her head up! While I waited for the epidural to begin wearing off, she was placed on my chest and we were able to do some skin-to-skin bonding. She was also able to latch and begin nursing for the first time. Out of everything we had put in our birth plan, I'm so glad that we were still able to do those two things.

Labor was the hardest thing I've ever done - much harder than any marathon I've ever run. But I feel like the experience I had was incredible - the support and love I felt, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually, was unlike anything else I had ever experienced. I had labored for almost 22 hours, and the end result was the most precious gift the Lord could've ever entrusted us with. Even though our birth plan pretty much went out the window, I think the Lord was trying to show me that although it's good to have a plan, His is always better. And we are so thankful for our Story Rae, and can't wait for the day that she falls in love with our Savior who carried us through her birth.